Taylor Lautner's abs and other revelations

This Thanksgiving has been full of revelations. I learned that I can and will enthusiastically peel a pomegranate for two straight hours. I learned that as long as technology keeps evolving, people will also keep devising ways to have sex with it. I also learned that movie rental stores are going out of business, evidenced by this conversation Ellie had with a neighborhood DVD store while trying to rent the first Twilight movie. The conversation itself is not that interesting, until you realize that it’s a PORN STORE! Which we didn’t find out until way later actually.

Ellie: Hi, do you rent DVDs?

Porn Store Clerk: No, we stopped renting them, like everyone else.

Ellie: Everyone else stopped too?

Porn Store Clerk: Yeah, all the stores in the city, basically. DVDs were coming back damaged, and it just wasn't worth it.

Ellie: All the stores in the city? Really?

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. But we sell them, 3 for $10, we have over 1500 titles.

Ellie: Oh! That's basically the same price as a rental, then.

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. You should come check it out.

Ellie: Can you check for me-- I'm a little embarrassed to ask, but I'm looking for the Twilight movies?

Porn Store Clerk: Twilight? Is that the name of a movie or a production company?

Ellie: It's a movie. Uh, about teenage vampires, it was based on a book? One just came out recently in theaters, but I know there's at least one out on DVD.

Porn Store Clerk: Let me check. No, we don't have that, but we can order any title you want.

Ellie: Ok, well I guess I'll come in sometime and check out what you do have.

Porn Store Clerk: Great! I'm looking forward to it.

So now this guy thinks that Ellie is into underage vampire porn. Is that not what Thanksgiving is ALL ABOUT? The tip off probably should have been when he didn’t know what “Twilight” was. Seriously, I could draw Taylor Lautner’s abs from memory – that’s how many times I’ve seen them in recent weeks on magazine racks, websites and now, on the big screen. It also helped that he was shirtless for about 2/3rds of the movie. (Because werewolves get overheated easily, Taylor noted in the film. Temperature control! Of course! I would totally believe that, except Carmen Electra used the exact excuse when her sex tape leaked "accidentally" last week.)

This post was going to be about the relationship abuse themes, violence and stalking in Twilight, and how Edward needs to wear a better shade of lipstick, but now I've ruined it by talking about porn. Again. So look for that post soon. Maybe. If I can learn to stay away from Taylor's abs focused.

The World according to Americans

In honor of this Thanksgiving weekend:
(Click the picture to make it bigger)

Though THIS does make me feel better about being American: Dogs get Boob Jobs in Bid to find New Owners. And, in case you're like me, No, they did NOT include any before/after pictures. Or any pictures at all. Effin' Brits.

When I hug people I make room for the Holy Spirit

In addition to pretty much all forms of sex, the gays, and dancing, Christians are now on a mission to ban "frontal hugging." Don't worry, you can still kill people though. As long as it's in the name of the Lord.

This delightful Christian Side-Hug rap comes from the Encounter Generation Conference, an annual Christian youth gathering which hopes to “bring the power, authenticity, and relevance of Jesus Christ to their culture.” Good thing Jesus was really into rough ridin' or this song would be AWKWARD. Seriously, hugging is wrong but rough riding is fine? Or are they talking about the United States Volunteer Cavalry?

According to Stuff Christians Like (which has a book coming out soon. Are you surprised?) "a 'full frontal hug,' [is] one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them."

THAT is disgusting. God, where did they learn THAT behavior?


Or this?

Does Mary even know that Jesus' ASS is touching her CROTCH? Didn't they teach her the appropriate Christian side-death-cradle?

Serious Concerns

Recent amusements. from the Renegade Craft Fair back in September. Seems like so long ago.

From Bi-Rite, where the bisexual is always right. I'm pretty sure that's what that's short for. And for more punny hilarity, go to That's Punny.

These are all over my neighborhood:

I wish you could see the dog's facial expression because he looks really concerned. Like his owner put a wig on his head, but he's asking you to please not judge too harshly because he totally would've matched the wig to his complexion like a lot better if he had been IN the store, which he wasn't because he was too busy pooping in your yard and feeling REALLY bad about it.

At the Walgreens, I bought microwave popcorn and the clerk told me I looked like a reporter. He probably wouldn't have told me that if he'd seen me doing this about a minute earlier.


And now "butt lovers" is going to be the top search that brings people to my blog. I guess you can only go up from "dude vu anal" and "erectoral dysfnunction." Whatever that is. Something political is what I'd guess.

How to get a professional job

It occurred to me, about a half second after I hit send on an electronic application to a REAL job dealing with small children, that my other life as an unabashed sex columnist and general smut enthusiast could very well color my chances in other areas of employment, especially the kind with retirement benefits and/or brand identification. How does one compartmentalize several different skill sets and talents? Especially when the main two aren't that compatible, like education policy and sex writing.

I just joined LinkedIn, at the prompting of several people, both online and off, and discovered that my mom is on there! (It's like I don't know you at all anymore!) As well as 90 other people whose email address I've accumulated over the course of the last five years. And now I'm slightly worried that all the paranoia articles about employers judging you by your Facebook status or Twitter updates are REAL and that no one will hire me unless I take all the references to boobs off of my online profiles, which is at the moment too painful to think about.

The thing is, I have legitimate experience in Communications, and I happen to love writing about sex too. I don't want to have to tone down or cover up my writing persona, but I also don't want to scare people off who don't know me. Nor do I want to create completely separate profiles either. For one, because it's confusing and I'd inevitably forget which is my "professional" site and my "sexy professional" site. For two, because the skills that I've accumulated can overlap. For instance, I learned about Search Engine Optimization while writing for Sex and the Windy City, which was also a skill required for a Communications Manager/Social Networking position at the nonprofit I just applied to.

Does anyone have experience with this kind of disjointedness? How do you cope?

On a completely unrelated note, if you type in "Why does..." into Google, these are the most commonly searched questions:

Sex Stories: my sexual history in 100 words

I got this idea from Glamour, the UK version, which is exactly like the American version except it’s not “seduce a hot guy in ten minutes or less” it’s “shag a hot bloke in ten kilometers or less, all while driving on the left side of the road” and I didn’t think the subtle word shifts would be distracting but they actually kind of are. Like I’ll read something about a crumpet and have to stop and google, is that a dinner roll or a prostitute? And snogging always makes me think of snot, which is not something you want to be thinking about when someone is about to make out with you. Even though that happens too and should you maybe say something? Especially if you’re shorter than whoever you’re kissing and are therefore the best authority on the floral bouquet of their nasal canal? When is Glamour going to write about that issue?

Anyway, they didn’t go there. But they did ask “a bunch” of people, which I’m pretty sure means 4, to describe their sexual history in 100 words. And I thought, what a useful skill that I can apply to my current job search! Then I thought 100 words is kind of a lot and I bet I could probably sum mine up in 15:

I think it was good, but that may have just been the tequila.

Then I thought, Oh for Christ’s sake, you didn’t even remember to brush your teeth until 7pm last night and the only reason you know what day it is because your phone has that programmed and you are so lazy that it brings shame upon several Japanese families, but they’re too nice to say anything outright so they just bow politely and continue their bukkake rituals as if you didn’t exist. Then I watched Tila Tequila’s video and she said something really powerful:

"People call me an attention whore ... or whatever ... but excuse me, I'm a grown a-- woman and I'm confident in myself ... I think a woman's body is a beautiful thing ... that's why I'm a lesbian ... I was born naked ... anybody who is against that is gay and in denial."

And if you’re not inspired by that then you’re probably gay and in denial, which is why I broke down and decided to write my sexual history in 100 words, because being born naked is the opposite of wrong, I think.

Age 9: Sex = “humping”

16: Hello, Officer. We were just looking at the stars.

19-22: Boy, boy, girl….boy, grrl, boi, girl who is now a boy, girl, boy, girl. Sleeping with my friends and their girlfriends is such a good idea!

23: No degree in the world will help me conquer this glow-in-the-dark dildo.

24-25: Lost my orgasm. Thorough investigation ensues, involving several, well-stocked attendants. Became sex columnist. Became polyamorous. Fucking friends = not such a good idea, but you’ve still got a friend in me!

25-present: Found it! Ellie was hiding it in her yoga pants all this time.

Okay, so that’s actually 101 words. But I think they are counting the ellipses as a word, which means it’s really 100 words and Microsoft is just gay and in denial. I encourage you to write your own Sexual History in 100 Words, either in the comments or with a link back to your own blog. Let’s start a collective sex timeline! It’s more rewarding than commenting on your friend’s Twitter page, I promise. Even if the update is about a really good burrito.

Blah(g)

I don't know quite what to do with this blog. I've been writing over here for a while now: Good Migrations but that's mostly about traveling.

And I am kind of pretty much done traveling for a while. Unless we're talking about the sisterhood of the traveling pants, in which case, I'll never be over that.

Also, that pukey green header bar at the top makes me feel all stab-y and I don't want to ruin our new-to-me furniture. I need guidance. Do I make this into a sexy blog? With maybe some erotica, events, Chicago Now-ish stuff? Do I scrap it and start over? Does anyone even read this anymore? Oh Christ, fine. Here's some boobs. Plz 2 send guidance now. kthxbai.